I'm Stuck
by CamStorm
Summary: After a panicked rescue, a man wakes up in a familiar shack. He thinks he's gonna be stuck in a book series, but, its a whole lot worse. - So this is my first HP fanfic This will kind of be a self insert, however, I am going to make it more humorous than serious. PARTS OF THIS STORY WILL BE COPIED DIRECTLY FROM THE BOOKS BECAUSE ROWLING IS A BETTER WRITER THAN ME! I OWN NOTHING!
1. Wait What!

Hello all!

So this is my first HP fanfic, however, I've been reading it for several years now.

This will kind of be a self insert, however, I am trying to make it more humorous than serious. Without giving too much away, I will be making fun of quite a few fandom tropes as well as exploiting some canon loop holes.

Just a heads up, I make no money off of this and EVERY character in this story is owned and operated by J.K. Rowling.

Enjoy.

* * *

 _I hate cruises,_ he thought laying back on the bed in his "cabin". The little tv in the room displayed the main deck of the ship as a storm raged on outside. The ship was so big it didn't sway too much in the wind.

He watched as the pool on sloshed water back and forth, wondering if they would drain it and refill it after the storm or leave it.

The storm had started less about two hours after the ship had launched from port. He hadn't even had time to go to the bar and get a drink with his dad and brothers. They'd boarded and decided to unpack before getting things started.

He got his own room because he didn't want to share with his two brothers and their wives, well, at least that's what he told his mom. He was really hoping he might meet someone on the cruise and maybe have a bit of fun. His hopes were dashed when he boarded and saw the other passengers. He only saw a few women he found attractive but most of the time they had kids wrapped around their legs.

 _How was I supposed to know 90% of the people on this ship were families with children._

A flash of lightning crossed the screen, pulling him out of his memories. He sighed and reached for the book he had brought, hoping to escape for a bit. Just as he opened it and removed his book mark, he saw something on the screen that pissed him off a little bit.

Four kids, probably not much older than eight or nine had stepped out into the tunnel that led onto the deck.

 _Damn kids, there is a STORM out there. What happens if you slip and fa-_

Just as he thought it, the only girl of the group stepped out, clearly trying to show off for the boys. She turned around stuck her tongue out at them when lightning flashed again and one of the deck chairs flew by, clipping her on the shoulder. She slid into wall, her head hitting hard enough to knock him out. The boys ran toward her when the whole ship lurched, causing them to stumble and fall. The girl slid across the deck toward the pool, still unconscious.

His book fell to the floor as he flung his door open, sprinting down the hall, pushing people aside, and yelling for a medic.

He got to the main deck and found the boys screaming for help down the hallways. Running past them he yelled at them to get a medic.

The wind outside was quite a bit worse than he had expected, almost immediately blowing him off his feet. Grabbing a hand rail, he looked around for the girl. He started to panic before he noticed her wedged underneath a flipped deck chair. He ran to her and heaved the chair away before picking her up. He struggled his way back towards the tunnel where a few of the employees had just showed up with a stretcher and were about to come help him when the ship lurched again.

He was blown off his feet and began sliding toward the edge of the ship. He struggled to hold onto the girl and find a hand hold. Finally, he felt a railing slam into the crook of his elbow and was able to latch on. He fumbled with his belt, getting it off and wrapping it around the girl to secure her to the railing before looking around and seeing where he was.

There was no way he could stand up in this wind and it would be unsafe for him to-

Everything went white and silent.

He felt himself slipping and panicked when he couldn't move anything. He looked at the arm that had held the railing and tried to scream when he noticed it was completely burnt and his hand was missing some fingers.

He couldn't do anything. He slipped away from the girl, who he noticed didn't have a scratch on her. He felt a slight sense of relief when he noticed his belt had held.

 _Well, I guess this is it. Four years in the Marines and not a single scratch. I go on a cruise and less than three hours in I die._

He felt himself lifting off the deck and flung over the rail. The world faded into white.

 **BOOM!**

His eyes snapped open at the sound of thunder.

 _Was it just a dream?_

He sat up, squinting, trying to make out the space he was in. His hand brushed something light on the floor and he noticed they were glasses, round with some sort of tape on the bridge.

He put them on and the world around him cleared.

 _Where am I?_

He was laying on the floor in a stone room next to a fire place. He looked around and noticed the couch next to him had someone in it. The kid had a chubby face and his arm hung down the side of the couch.

 _Hmm… Is this the afterlife? Some shack in a storm?_

A light from the kids wrist caught his eye and he noticed the time.

 _11:59. Wait a minute…_

The watch turned to midnight as another thunderclap shook the building.

"No. Nope. Nuh uh. This is not happening," he said as the boy on the couch jumped awake.

 **BOOM!**

"How is this even possible?" he asked himself as he noticed an only too familiar fat man and skinny woman come down the stairs.

 **BOOM!**

"Who is it?" the man said.

 **BOOM!**

The door slammed to the ground revealing a massive outline of a man in the doorway. He walked in and picked the door off the ground and placed it back in the doorway.

"Sorry about tha'," he said, walking further into the shack.

"GET OUT!" the fat man yelled, "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE! I DEMAND YOU LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!"

"Oh shut it, Dursley, yeh great prune," the giant of a man said grabbing the puny looking rifle from his the fat man's hands and tying it into a knot.

"Okay, uh… Timeout."

Everyone turned to look at him. He hadn't realized he had actually spoken but decided to run with it.

"I need to check something real quick," he started, before pausing at the sound of his own voice. Everyone still stared at him.

He pointed to the fat kid on the couch.

"Dudley."

He pointed to the couple on the stairs.

"Petunia and Vernon."

He pointed at the massive mountain before pausing.

 _I probably shouldn't give away that I know what's happening. If it's happening. This is weird._

"Okay, continue." he said pointing Hagrid. _God, this is weird._

Hagrid walked over to him and shoved Dudley ( _This is really, really weird)_ off the couch before sitting and pointing his umbrella at the fire sending two fireballs into it.

For the next ten minutes, he didn't say much except for the occasional question he knew he was supposed to ask. When it was over, he curled up under Hagrid's coat trying to figure out just what was going on.

 _I died. Now it seems I've become Harry Potter. Also, I have gone back in time, which means my family doesn't exist yet. I'll have to check in on them later. Unless I'm in a different universe where my family doesn't exist. That sucks._

A sadness that he hadn't expected settled over him. He wouldn't be able to see his parents again. His brothers and their wives, one of which was expecting a child. His life had been about his family and now they were gone. He felt a tear run down his face.

He turned to look at the half giant on the sofa.

 _Well, I guess I can make some friends here. Hell, maybe my family does exist and I'll be able to meet them._

He rolled back over, his mind resolved to make the best of this new life.

 _Also, this could all be a dream._


	2. Might As Well Prepare

_It wasn't a dream._

He'd awoken to what he thought were tanks rolling down a gravel road. It turned out to be Hagrid's snores. After getting up and watching the Dursley's cower in a corner, he and Hagrid had made their way across the relatively calm sea and onto the train to London.

He hadn't talked much, still trying to figure out how he was going to approach his situation. He hadn't noticed when Hagrid had guided him off the sidewalk into a musty tavern.

"The usual, Hagrid?"

"Can't Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," Hagrid called back to the bartender, laying his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"My lord," Tom said, staring at him, "It's Harry Potter."

 _Holy shit I'm Harry Potter. I guess I'd better start thinking of myself as Harry._

The Leaky Cauldron had stilled at the mention of his new name. Everyone stared at him, unsure of what to do.

 _If I'm going to be stuck as Harry Potter, I'm not going to play along with what the books say. No timid Harry for me. I'm gonna have some fun._

"Hello everyone," he said flashing a smile and leading Hagrid further into the building.

For the next few minutes he was greeted by everyone in the store. Doris Crockford, Dedalus Diggle, and even Quirrell. He'd been tempted to pat the man on the shoulder but decided he didn't want murder to be his first act in the wizarding world. Tom tried to give him a butterbeer before Hagrid shooed him away.

"Well, Harry, I see you inherited your father's charisma," Hagrid said, tapping his wand/umbrella on the bricks behind the "cauldron".

Harry felt a little awkward as they walked through the arch to Diagon Alley. He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to feel about Harry's parents. He didn't know them or feel anything towards them. He knew he would take on old no nose, but, he had decided to do that in order to keep others safe and less of exacting justice on Voldemort.

"First off, we need to be stoppin' by Gringotts," Hagrid said, pulling Harry out of his thoughts. "Gotta get you your money and I've uhh… got something I need to pick up as well."

Harry smiled up at him and nodded before turning and finding the wonky looking building in the middle of the alley.

They walked in, Harry trying not to gawk at all the goblins lining the counters.

 _This is going to take some getting used to._

"Mornin'," Hagrid said to an open goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."

"And does Mr. Potter have his key?" the goblin replied, peering over the counter at Harry.

Harry smiled at him and turned to Hagrid.

"Hagrid, why don't you go get what you need and I'll get whatever I need and meet you back here in the lobby. I'm sure I'm in good hands with fine staff here at Gringotts."

Hagrid hesitated before nodding and handing Harry his key.

"Don't take too much from your vault. Don't wanna run out before you leave Hogwarts."

He moved to another teller handing him a note before being led toward the vaults.

Harry turned to his goblin.

"If you'll come this way Mr. Pot-"

"Please excuse my rudeness Mr.?" Harry hesitated waiting for the goblin to give his name.

"Roglaff, Mr. Potter. What is it that I can help you with?"

"Thank you Mr. Roglaff," Harry took a breath before continuing. "I'm not sure you are aware, but I've been raised by muggles." He paused as Roglaff nodded. "Thus, I'm not sure of how much money I actually have and whether or not It's all in one vault or if my parents had vaults etcetera etcetera…"

"So you wish to be informed of your financial standing in the wizarding world?"

Harry smiled before replying, "Yes, that would be very helpful."

"Very well," Roglaff said, pulling out a slip of paper. "Unfortunately, there are no available openings for an appointment today. Perhaps we can set a meeting for the winter break?"

Harry frowned. He'd hoped he could get some information on his status within the wizarding community. He'd read enough fan fiction to know he needed to do something with his money other than let it sit in a vault.

"I'm not sure I will be able to make it during the winter break," he said, his mind trying to find an alternative. _Maybe I could get a cab from the Dursley's to London before the train leaves in September._

"If we can't get you an appointment before then, we can send you a bank statement via owl," Roglaff had not looked up from writing on his paper.

Harry let out a relieved sigh and nodded.

"However, it will only have monetary information on it. There will be no information on material or real estate items. This is standard for all Gringotts customers."

Harry nodded again before asking, "Do I have an account manager or something like that?"

"No," Roglaff replied. "All Gringotts goblins are capable of helping you, however, if you wish to do any sort of investing or trading, a goblin can be assigned to watch over your holdings and give you periodic updates and advice."

"Very good," Harry said, "I'm sure I'll be signing up for that the next time we meet."

Roglaff raised a bushy eyebrow at him before nodding slowly.

"If that is all Mr. Potter, Griphook will escort you to your vault."

"Thank you Mr. Roglaff," Harry said, "Thank you for your assistance today. I look forward to speaking to you again."

Roglaff kept his eyebrow raised when he responded, "Good day to you, Mr. Potter."

Two hours later, Hagrid picked Harry up from Ollivanders and they made their way back through Diagonally. He'd gotten everything on his Hogwarts letter and more. He'd decided to absorb as much information as he could before school.

 _The only person who might know more than me before boarding the train will be Hermione._

Hagrid bought Harry a hamburger and fries for dinner. They sat in the restaurant and ate while he pelted Hagrid with questions. Eventually, the day had to end.

Hagrid took him to the train station and bought him a ticket back to Little Whinging. They loaded up his newly packed trunk before it really hit Harry what was going on. He hugged Hagrid, his grief at losing his family and friends finally rising to the surface. He cried a little into Hagrid's coat before pulling back and smiling up at the big man.

"Sorry Hagrid," he said, sniffing. "This has been the best birthday ever. It's nice to have someone to share it with."

Hagrid's eyes watered for a moment before he spoke up.

"You're parents were some o' tha best people I ever knew, Harry. They'd be proud of you."

Harry smiled sadly back at him before waving and boarding the train.

He stared out the window all the way back to the Dursley's, not even responding to Vernon's complaints about him after he'd been picked up from the train station.

 _I hope I can find someone to share all this with someday. I'm not sure I can deal with all of this on my own._

The Dursley's hadn't helped him get his trunk up the stairs but had locked him in once he got settled. He didn't mind. He just pulled out _Magical Theory_ by Adalbert Waffling and a note pad.

It was time to get to work.


	3. A Familiar Train Ride

**Just a reminder, I own none of this. Some of this story is a direct quote from the books. J.K. Rowling is queen of this world and every now and then I play in it.**

 **Also, I'm looking for a Beta to help me out with this story. Thanks for reading. Cheers.**

After his Diagon Alley visit, the Dursley's had locked him up in Dudley's spare bedroom for a week. During that time, Harry studied. Books on potions, charms, Defense, Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Transfiguration, even History. Not only did he need to make up for lost time being "raised" outside of the Wizarding world, he was truly fascinated with Magic.

At one point, he had pulled out his wand and was about to try a spell when he remembered the law.

 _It wouldn't be a great start to be charged with underage magic when I first got here._

The day before he was to board the Hogwarts express, Harry packed his things and had his first actual conversation with Vernon since he'd woken up on that island.

"Vernon," he began, "Would you be able to give me a ride to King's Cross tomorrow?"

The fat man grunted, nodding once.

"Thanks, I need to be there by eight thirty tomorrow morning."

Vernon grunted again.

 _Well that went well,_ Harry thought as he turned to head back to his room.

"Where is this school anyway?"

Harry turned back. "Scotland, I believe."

"Hmmph…"

He got up and grabbed his keys from the hook by the door, mumbling the whole time.

"...take the train to Scotland… no flying carpets?... damn pig tail…"

He left without a second glance at Harry.

The next day, Harry unloaded his trunk from the back of Vernon's car before they sped away to have Dudley's pig tail removed.

He smiled and turned towards King's Cross looking for a cart.

Eventually, he found one and made his way into the station keeping an eye out for a gaggle of redheads.

 _I don't know if the platform will be like it was in the movies or if this King's Cross is even close to how its supposed to be in my world._

Before he could scan the crowd, he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"-Packed with muggles, of course-"

He looked over his shoulder and spotted the Weasley's.

 _Huh,_ he thought, _they look like a mix of what my mind came up with while reading the books and the actors that played them in the movies._

He quickly maneuvered his cart to follow them and watched as they disappeared into the arch.

After waiting a few breaths he moved forward and passed through to find the platform he was looking for.

He looked around for a moment, drinking it all in. He moved to a car and set Hedwig aside and struggled to get his trunk loaded up.

"Want a hand?"

Harry looked up and saw one of the Weasley twins walking towards him.

"Sure!"

"Oy, Fred! C'mere and help!"

"Thanks, George," Harry said as they waited for the other twin to walk over.

"Have we met?" George looked at Harry, eyebrow raised in confusion.

"Uh…," Harry hesitated. _Shit, well the first slip up had to happen eventually._ "I heard your mother when you came through the barrier."

"Oh right! Well, you know us then, who are you?" George had moved up to the car and lifted one end while Fred had grabbed the handle on the other.

 _Welp, here it goes._

"I'm Harry Potter, nice to meet you."

 _ **CLANK**_

He'd half expected it when they dropped his trunk.

"Holy Shit!" they said in unison, their eyes wide and mouths agape.

"Thanks guys!" Harry said, pulling his trunk to the compartment he'd found.

Once in, he closed the door and situated his trunk under the seat and put Hedwig's cage on the seat next to the window.

He sat down, settling in for the long trip, watching the Weasley twins tell the rest of their family who they'd just met.

Eventually, Molly kissed her children, pulling Ginny away from the edge of the platform. They boarded the train waving back at her.

The train started moving and Harry waited expectantly.

 _Ron should be here any moment._

Just as he thought it, one third of the Golden Trio opened the door.

"Anyone sitting there?" he asked, clearly trying not to stare at Harry's scar.

"Nope, go ahead."

"Thanks…" he sat down glancing at Harry then immediately forced his gaze out the window.

"Go on, ask," Harry said, knowing what the boy was thinking.

"AreyoureallyHarryPotter?!" Ron's words came out so fast, Harry only knew what he was saying because he'd expected it.

"Yup!" He reached up and parted his hair, revealing the lightning bolt scar.

"Wow, so that's where you-know-who di- OH! I'm sorry. You probably don't want to talk about it."

Harry smiled, knowingly.

"It's fine. I don't remember any of it anyway. Well, except for a lot of green light."

Over the next couple hours Harry and Ron talked, Harry mostly going along with the conversations as he'd remembered them from the book. He felt there was something off about the interaction though. He'd expected Ron to be the same somewhat oblivious kid from the books but oblivious would be a compliment for him.

He was downright stupid.

When Harry had bought all the candy and snacks from the cart and offered some to Ron, the guy had immediately scarfed down three Cauldron Cakes. And when he'd started choking, Harry had to perform the heimlich to keep him from dying.

Ron thanked him before grabbing chocolate frog from the pile and ripping the package open with his teeth.

After this, Harry had pulled a book out of his trunk and tried to ignore the sounds Ron was making across the compartment.

Eventually, Ron passed out surrounded by wrappers, Scabbers was on his belly, gnawing on a pumpkin pastie.

The door opened again and a round faced boy stuck his head in. His eyes were red around the edges like he'd been crying recently.

"Have you seen a toad anywhere around here?"

"No," Harry replied, "but I can help you find him."

 _Anything to get away from this oaf._

"Oh, thank you, you don't have to do that…"

The boy trailed off when he noticed Harry's scar. His eyes went wide and he started pointing at his forehead.

"You- You- You're Harry Potter!"

Harry, who had just put his book down on the seat smiled at Neville,

"In the flesh! Now, let's find that toad, eh? What was his name?"

"Uh… Trevor."

"Very well, let's find Trevor."

He moved toward the door before he heard another voice he recognized outside the door.

"It's rude to point, Neville."

A walking bush appeared on the other side of the door and Harry looked to Hermione wondering how he should approach her. He decided on a straightforward method.

"Hello, I'm Harry Potter," he said, reaching his hand out to shake hers. "Nice to meet you."

Her eyebrows rose slightly in recognition of his name. She grasped his hand and shook it in answer.

"I'm Hermione Granger, I've read quite a bit about you."

"It's mostly rubbish," Harry said, releasing her hand and smiling again. "I was barely a year old when Voldemort attacked my parents. All I remember was a flash of green light."

She looked at him curiously.

 _I probably shouldn't be so flippant about my "parents" deaths in the future. Might put a few people off._

She nodded once and looked to Ron.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, too," she said, frowning at the mess. "You should probably start getting ready. We'll be arriving soon."

She looked back to Harry and smiled before taking Neville with her and down the train.

 _Well, that wasn't too bad._

He picked up an empty chocolate frog package and tossed it at Ron's head.

"Wha-? What's going on? Is it time for dinner?"

Harry rolled his eyes before opening his trunk and replying.

"We should get our robes on. We'll be there soon."

Ron grumbled a bit before brushing the trash off his chest and sticking Scabbers into a pocket.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful except for the Malfoy meeting. Harry had decided to just not acknowledge him. When Malfoy had insulted Harry's parents and Ron's family, he'd said nothing. Ron had wisely not picked a fight with Malfoy when he'd realized what Harry was doing and turned his back as well.

Malfoy had left quite upset that his threats had been ignored and kept insulting them until a prefect came along promising to dock points from whatever house he ended up in if he didn't get back to his compartment.

Dressed and ready to go the boys watched the countryside roll by until they pulled into Hogsmeade station.

They left their luggage on the train and stepped out onto the platform. Harry spotted Hagrid instantly and made his way to his "first friend".

"Hello Hagrid!" he called out, approaching the half-giant from behind.

"Its good to see you again Harry," Hagrid replied turning to greet him. "How was the trip?"

Harry hesitated before saying, "Quite boring, actually."

Hagrid smiled and nodded.

"The first one always is. You don't know anyone, yet. Jus' wait till the ride home!"

He then turned to the gaggle of eleven-year-olds standing around him.

"Alright, C'mon! Follow me!"

They made their way along a steep, narrow path. No one made any noise outside of Neville's sniffles.

They rounded a bend and suddenly a great black lake opened up in front of them. A few ooh's and ah's were heard as the new students looked up and saw the castle for the first time.

 _Its way bigger than in the movies_ , Harry thought, tilting his head back to see the top of the castle.

"C'mon Harry, lets get in a boat together."

Harry looked down the bank of the lake to a row of small rowboats. He saw Ron waving from a boat with Hermione and Neville already situated in the front two seats. He nodded and made his way down, climbing into the boat before Hagrid called, "Forward!"

They made their way across the lake, more ooh's and ah's rising from the students as they came closer to the giant castle.

Finally, they passed through a curtain of ivy that concealed a tunnel under the castle. Before long, they came upon a small harbor where they disembarked their little fleet and walked up a flight of steps, eventually reaching a huge, Oak door.

"Everyone, here? You there, still got yer toad?"

Neville nodded and Hagrid turned to the door and knocked three times.


	4. The Sorting and Eating

**Hello again!**

 **Thanks for reading this far. Just a few things before we start. This is a pretty short chapter and I'm sorry about that. I didn't fit well with the end of the last one and doesn't have enough to set up the next so I just left it as it is for now.**

 **I'm still looking for a Beta. If you think you can help me out, please let me know. Thank you again for reading and finally, thank you to JKR for letting me play around in her world.**

 **Enjoy!**

The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green  
robes stood there. She had a very stern face and Harry's first thought  
was that this was not someone to cross.

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."

She pulled the door wide and lead them through the entrance hall. They heard hundreds of voices behind another massive door before passing it by and pouring into a rather small room off to the side.

Professor McGonagall turned to the students and waited till they were all in the room and the door was shut behind them.

""Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room."

As she named the four houses and explained the House Cup points system, Harry began to feel nervous for the first time since he first arrived in this world.

 _Will the sorting hat see me for my old self or as the real Harry? What house will I be in. Pottermore said Ravenclaw but I'm not sure. For that matter, what will my patronus be?_

Before he could get too far into his mini breakdown, McGonagall left the room.

"I wonder how they sort us?" Ron asked, nervously.

Harry didn't bother answering, forcing himself to relax.

 _Either way, me just being here is going to change some things. I might as well relax._

Professor McGonagall opened the door and called them into the great hall. Several of the first years looked around wide eyed, staring at the ceiling above them and the students around them.

They made their way through the hall before coming to a small platform in front of the staff table. A four legged stool stood in the center of the platform with an ancient, patched and frayed hat resting on it.

 _Well, they got that thing perfect in the movies._

The hat sang its song and McGonagall began calling students up to be sorted. Ron rolled his eyes when Hermione was sorted into Gryffindor. The hat never even touched Malfoy's head before screaming out Slytherin.

Eventually, "Potter, Harry" rang out over the crowd.

Harry sighed and walked forward amidst all the whispers and speculations making their way around the Hall.

He sat down and waved at the crowd before the hat fell in

front of his eyes. A small voice spoke in his ear.

 **You, sir, are not who you appear to be.**

 _I figured I wouldn't be able to get past you. Thanks for not immediately outing me._

 **Of course, I am much too intrigued by this development to cut it short. I have many questions for you, however, I fear if I ask all of them tonight no one else will be sorted.**

 _How about we make a deal, you sort me into Gryffindor at the end of this conversation and I'll steal you from Dumbledore's office later this term. You can ask me all the questions you want._

 **Deal. One thing before we part. I see you have been practicing Occlumency.**

 _Yes, I wanted to make sure no one looked into my head and saw who I really was._

 **Good, keep practicing. There are those who wish harm you, regardless of who you really are. Now, I look forward to seeing you in the future. For now, enjoy your time in "Gryffindor!"**

Harry smiled as he removed the hat and walked toward the Gryffindor table, taking a seat next to Hermione, who looked surprised that he'd sat next to her but happy all the same. He winked at her before turning back to the sorting.

Ron joined them soon after and once Blaise Zabini was sorted into Slytherin and the students had settled, Dumbledore stood to address them.

"Welcome," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

"Thank you!"

Harry chuckled and turned to the table, piling his plate with all the food he could reach.

Eventually, when he'd had his fill (and more after dessert) he pushed his plate back and looked around the table to see all the conversations going on around him. He smiled at Hermione pestering Percy about lessons, and Neville's story about bouncing down stairs and discovering his magic.

He looked up to the staff table, scanning the teachers before noticing someone staring at him and his smile slid off his face.

Snape looked like he took a shower in grease every morning. Thick, black hair so shiny it looked like a helmet, his face gaunt and pale.

 _I wonder if there is a way to get that man off my back. I wonder if asking him about Lily would throw him off guard._

He looked directly into Snape's eyes and nodded once, acknowledging him, then turned back to the table.

Shortly after, Dumbledore stood once again and gave his warnings about the forest and the third floor corridor. He bade them good night and Harry followed Percy and the other first years up to the painting of the Fat Lady. Percy gave her the password and they all climbed through the hole to the common room.

Once inside, they were led to their dorm rooms where they immediately changed into their sleep clothes and climbed into bed.

Harry pulled a notebook and pencil out of his trunk and lit his wand with a very soft "Lumos" spell.

 _Let's see, what did I accomplish today? Meet the Weasley twins: Check. Ignore Malfoy: Check. Confuse Snape: Check. Begin friendship with Ron and Hermione: Kinda check? Ron might get pretty annoying if he continues the way he is. As for Hermione, hopefully it won't take until Halloween to really kick that off. Not bad for a first day._

He closed the notebook and waved his wand over it to make sure only he could open it before shoving it under his pillow.

Turning off his wand light he set it down along with his glasses and laid back, looking up into the roof of his four poster bed.

He fell asleep quickly, a smile on his face. Tomorrow would be the start of the real fun.


End file.
